Why Do We Keep Choosing the Old… Even When We Love the New?

I got this visor in 1996. Yes, I was a DMB groupie for a while, and it was the first apparel I ever bought at a concert! I love it for so many reasons. It holds memories from an entire era of my life and, after almost 30 years, it feels like me.

It is also completely worn out. The color is faded, the fabric has seen better days, and there is a sweat stain across the brow that no amount of pretending (or ignoring) can make attractive. 😂

Several months ago, we had lunch at the Pebble Beach Country Club - right on the 18th hole. It was such a beautiful, fun memory that I bought a new visor to replace this one. I love the new visor too. It’s clean, bright, beautiful, and every time I see it, it reminds me of a wonderful day.

When we got home, I wore the new one for a few weeks. Then I started trading off between the two, depending on my mood. But lately, I’ve found myself reaching for the old DMB visor every morning before my walk. I even packed it on our recent trip to California, leaving Pebble Beach visor at home.

My husband called me out on it and asked why I wasn’t wearing the Pebble Beach visor.

I shrugged my shoulders 🤷‍♀️ and really didn’t have an answer.

Well, if you know me, you know this how my brain works. The gears started turning and a sweat-stained visor now needs a full psychological analysis. 😂

I kept thinking about this darn hat. Why was I reaching for it every morning? I genuinely love the new one. I bought it because the old one was worn out and needed to be replaced. Yet, given the choice between something faded and familiar and something new that I also loved, my hand kept reaching for the familiar one.

… And suddenly, this wasn’t about a visor anymore.

We Reach for What Is Familiar

How often do we do this in other areas of our lives?

We consciously decide we want something different. We learn. We grow. We do the inner work. We experience a new way of responding, communicating, relating, receiving, caring for ourselves or moving through the world. We may even discover that we really like this new way of being.

And still, there can be a pull toward the old.

Our subconscious is full of patterns that have become familiar through repetition. Many have been with us for so long that we don’t experience them as patterns at all. We experience them as who I am.

• I’m the responsible one.

• I’m the one who keeps everyone happy.

• I’m the one who handles everything myself.

• I’m the one who stays quiet to avoid conflict.

• I’m the one who has to work hard for money.

• I’m the one who always struggles with my weight.

• I’m the one who overthinks everything.

  
  

We have worn some of these identities for a very long time. We know exactly how they fit. We know what to expect when we put them on. And our hand can reach for them almost automatically.

Just like my visor.

That’s one of the fascinating things about creating change. You can consciously want the new. You can experience the new. You can LOVE the new... and still find yourself reaching for an old pattern simply because it is familiar.

So what do we do when we notice?

I think we have a couple of choices.

Option One: Keep the Old Visor

Maybe I keep it.

Maybe tomorrow morning I consciously reach for my faded DMB visor, put it on my head and head out for my walk.

There is nothing inherently wrong with something being old. There are parts of our identity, beliefs, habits and ways of being that have been with us for decades and still feel completely aligned with who we are.

I don't need to get rid of something simply because I've had it for a long time.

The important distinction for me is whether I am choosing it.

Once I become aware of why I keep reaching for something, I can look at it again and ask: 

• Does this still fit me? 

• Do I still want this? 

• Does this represent who I am now? 

• Is this how I want to live?

If the answer is yes, wonderful.

Keep the visor.

Wear it until it falls apart.

The difference is that now I’m wearing it because I consciously chose it, rather than because my hand automatically reached for what it has known for 30 years.

Option Two: Throw It Away

There’s another perfectly valid choice.

Maybe it’s time to throw it away.

The visor is almost 30 years old. It’s faded. It’s stained. It has served me well. I have certainly gotten my money’s worth out of whatever I paid for it at that concert in 1996.

I can appreciate every memory attached to it and still decide I’m ready to wear something updated, vibrant and new.

👉🏽 We are allowed to do that with ourselves too.

There are identities we developed because they made sense at another point in our lives. There are beliefs we learned from our families, relationships and experiences. There are ways we learned to protect ourselves, get our needs met, belong, feel valuable, earn love, manage money or relate to our bodies.

They may have served a purpose.

And we are allowed to decide they don't fit anymore.

We don't have to keep wearing something simply because we've worn it for a long time.

There can be something incredibly freeing about recognizing an old identity, understanding where it came from and realizing, I don't choose this anymore.

• I want something updated.

• I want something vibrant.

• I want something that represents who I am becoming.

And sometimes that means the old visor gets to go.

So, What Are You Still Wearing?

This is where my completely unnecessary psychological analysis of a visor became useful. 😂

Because now I’m curious.

What am I reaching for simply because it’s familiar?

And what are you reaching for?

Think about your relationships. Your health. Your body. Money. Work. Family. The way you communicate. The way you receive. The expectations you have of yourself and other people.

Where are you moving back and forth between an old version of yourself and a new one?

Where have you already experienced something different, maybe even something that feels really good, yet you keep finding yourself pulled toward an old response?

And where might you be ready to make a conscious choice?

A Few Questions to Explore

Take a few minutes and get curious:

• What identity, belief, behavior or pattern do I keep reaching for because it feels

  familiar?

• How long have I been “wearing” it?

• What does this old way of being give me or protect me from?

• Does it still represent who I am today?

• If I consciously choose to keep it, why am I choosing it?

• If I were willing to release it, what might become available to me?

• What would updated, vibrant and new look like in this area of my life?

• Who am I becoming, and what would that version of me choose?

Maybe I’ll put on the DMB visor tomorrow morning.

Maybe I’ll decide that almost 30 years is plenty and finally let it go.

Either choice is available to me. And maybe that’s the whole point.

Once we become aware of what we keep reaching for, we get to decide whether it still belongs in our lives. We can appreciate where we’ve been, recognize what has served us, and consciously decide what we want to carry forward.

So look at what identity you are still wearing.

Do you still want to choose it?

Or are you ready for something updated, vibrant and new?

P.S. If this has you wondering what you might still be unconsciously “wearing,” hit reply and tell me where you’d like me to go deeper next: relationships, money, or weight/health.