How trauma affects relationships
Have you ever felt embarrassment around exposing a piece of your history, afraid that somehow you would be rejected? Would you like to get to a place where you feel whole, accepted and loved unconditionally by those around you?
I used to stuff all of my emotions to the point of not showing positive or negative and did not want anyone to know my secrets of childhood trauma or the rage that I felt inside, for fear they would no longer like me. I felt like I was a walking facade, putting on a happy, successful face and persona, but feeling dark, and sad on the inside. In a few relationships, I remember saying “If you knew the real me, you would run…”
On one occasion my ex-boyfriend’s dog attacked me. The dog scratched my chest, bit my blue tank top and pulled it far away from my body and he knocked me down in the hallway. The ex screamed at me, telling me that if I don’t love his dog, I don't love him. I remember calling a friend and said to him, “How do these guys find me? It’s like I have a flashing light on my forehead!” His response to me was, “You find them”. As mad as this made me, it was a huge moment because I could recognize he was correct, and incorrect, because we found each other. With 200 men in a room, 199 good and 1 not, we would find each other, because I did not feel good enough to be loved by a good man. I continually deflected healthy relationships and attracted unhealthy ones because I did not feel worthy of a happy, safe, successful relationship.
I ended up marrying a nice, emotionally stable man - and, he would want me to tell you, "extremely handsome!" - he treated me very well and we had two small children. Yet, I felt a constant pull to a darker world where I was comfortable being mistreated. I experienced mistrust, anxiety and anger toward my husband that was not even about him, it was about my parents’ relationship and I was taking it out on him. He and I were not going to make it if I continued down this path.
When a coworker introduced me to a world of healing energy, effects of generational trauma patterns, and a way to live in safety, I began to study the work that changed my life and the lives of my family members.
My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have strong communication sets that have allowed us to be open and honest partners. We were snuggling and rocking on the porch one evening in the sun and he asked me what is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I feel about our relationship. My reply was “content”. For someone with my background, to feel content and at peace is like owning a mansion full of gold.
Healing from trauma was the only path for me to achieve this mansion full of gold in my relationships.
Would you like to know how to continually feel content and at peace in your relationships? Send me a message, I read and answer all messages personally.
Namaste, Heather